catherineex3

Let’s make a run for it.
You know you want to, you know you want this just as bad as I do.
Whether you’ll admit it or not!

The look you give me after I do something “cute”,
The way you hold me like I’d float away any minute,
How much caution you put into anything you do with me,
The way you play drums on my tummy,
Every single time you kiss me on my forehead or cheek,
That’s what I live for. That’s my fuel.

And you question how much I want this.
Psh, you’d be surprised love.
I just pray you feel the same.

In one of my nightmares, I was stuck in the bottom of a mouse trap. Except this was the master of all mouse traps. It had the sticky bottom, plus the inhumane spring trap that catches the pour mice's tail or whatever else happens to fall in the way. I fell from a bookshelf all the way down to the bottom and hit the mousetrap and got stuck. Yes, there was pain but that wasn't the worst part. It was the idea of everything being done. Not being able to get out, all of my dreams going out of the window. And eventually, I just gave up. I gave up. Depressing, right?

I hate nightmares.

I'm at a dead end, and you put me here.
Somehow, you're the U-turn at the same time.
But I can't find the path to it.

I don't get how easily you can find the path out.
But it seems, through the fog, like you're waiting here with me.
For now.

You know how tricky the fog can be. Damn colloids(;
I guess I just have to leap and hope that I land.
In your arms, or your car, if we're still talking symbolistic.

(:

I need new topics to write on.
I have a boring life.

I am one of the people most against cheating. I think it is low, and hurtful. My definition of cheating is starting at kissing, or intimate touching like groping. Yes, flirting with other girls/boys and leading them on while you're dating someone else is still wrong. But it's not technically cheating, in my eyes. Although it is still extremely hurtful. In my opinion, if you're dating someone then you should be more than happy to just kiss them, or think that way about them, or anything further that happens in your relationship. No one else. If you aren't happy enough with that, then you shouldn't be in that relationship.

If you do cheat, then I think you should just fess up to it and hope that your partner can find a way to trust you again. It's not fair to them any other way. If they don't trust you, then you can't really blame them. But keeping it a secret for the rest of your future with them is not going to bring your relationship happiness in any way. So just please, don't cheat. It will save you both the drama.

Well, I guess I should have posted a new year's resolutions entry. The only thing is I don't know if I have the mental capacity to do so. I've gone through so much this past year, and it's probably been the toughest year of my life. I grew up. In 08, I matured so much and I learned. I learned to love, to forgive, who to give my trust to, and I learned what the true meaning of betrayal and heartbreak are. Now, on the subject of heartbreak, I would always think that this is what changed me the most. But now reflecting, I don't really know if it is. Yes, it changed me so much. But I think the thing that changed me the most is my friends and friendships. And I'm tired of reflecting back on how much a guy hurt me. I'm just glad that 2008 has passed. And I'm ready to see what I'll be like in another year at this time. Because one year ago, I sure didn't think I would be who I am today. I'm ready for a fresh start, please.

My Resolutions:
Find out what truly makes me happy.
Get closer to my mom, or at least a better relationship.
Be happy with who I am, more confident.
Make more friends.
Get over him.

The past few days have been good. I've been pretty happy. And nothing is really wrong. This trip has made me realize how much I love and crave for the north. I can't wait to move somewhere around here. I love living simply. Even if just for a little while. It's very refreshing. The flight home will be depressing, hah (:

On the trip we've done a lot of cool things. Ice skating is probably my favorite so far, even though I might have busted my ass once. Hehh, after that comes the haunted 2nd hand shop that we visited. But overall, I just LOVE the snow. Cold weather has always astounded me.

And when we manage to get bored, we do things like this:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImjichEDw40

Oh hayy.
Okay, so I have decided never ever to fly American Airlines ever again.
My paranoid mother decided to make me an "unaccompanied minor" just in case something happened. You know, so the people would bring us to our next gate and change our diapers for us and not let us breath. But, even though I had constant bitching about it, it actually came in handy. Our first flight went fine, nice and fun and smooth. But upon boarding our last flight, which was only supposed to be about 50 minutes long, one of the flight attendants came up us and was like "Well, what would you two do if the flight was canceled?" And we're like "Uhm, I don't know? Are we supposed to know? We're in Chicago!"
So, despite our completely optimistic attitude, it ended up being canceled completely. And they stuck I, the unaccompanied minor, and Hannah, who was not allowed to leave my side, in a holding room with a bunch of other teenagers. That was chill, except for the fact that we hadn't eaten since breakfast, and the vending machines wouldn't take dollar bills, and we had no change. But don't worry, because Hannah and I are creative. We bought two cokes, two sodas, and a water, which eventually gave us just enough money for some Cheetos to share. Later on, the people watching us gave us food vouchers. And the cash register lady at McDonald's tried to tell Hannah that chicken wasn't meat, so it's okay to get a McChicken if you are a vegetarian! Isn't your life changed by that little piece of information?

"You have to use all of the money on the voucher."
"I don't know what to get, I'm a vegetarian."
"Get a McChicken."
"I can't, that's meat."
"No, it's chicken."
"That's meat. I don't eat meat."
"Chicken isn't meat."
"Yes..."
"It's just chicken."
"OKAY! I DON'T EAT ANIMALS!"
".... Would you like a cinnamon roll?"
"Yeah, okay, sure, bye."

I hate idiocy. And it would have been nice to tell us we didn't have to buy our own food before hand, but oh well.
Hannah and I were determined not to sleep all night, because I'd rather not get raped at an airport. But, we did eventually crack and pass out at about 4:30, 5ish. And we slept in little chairs that we put together to make into a couch/bed thing. It could have been worse. We were more calm than our parents were. It was kind of like a little adventure(:
Long story short, we stayed overnight at the airport, our parents cursed the people out, we never got our luggage back, Hannah's dad had to come and drive three hours to pick us up, then drive three hours back, we both haven't showered in at least 48 hours, and we are deprived of sleep, we look like a hot mess, and I really feel the need to brush my teeth. Badly. And we met bunches of new friends who stayed with us until 4 in the morning. Ahh, don't you just love flying?!

SO, there's a bunch of entries in a regular journal that I have failed to write in here. Eh, a lot of it has changed since I wrote it. Hahahah. Here ya go.

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Nov 6, 08
4:30 PM

Hey, booo, loveee, you! I loveee your hugs. You're simply.. amazing!
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Nov 6, 08
6:42 PM

Yeah, well I mean I'm definitely happier. And I'm fine without you. But I miss the way things used to be. (Sshhhh! It's a secret.)

I miss your voice, your sense of humor, your hugs! Your scent, how it felt to be with you and in your arms. I miss you!

But, thank you for getting out of my life. You taught me some hard lessons. You made me feel complete happiness and you showed me what it feels like to have your heart ripped out. You made me grow, definitely into a better person. You made me cry myself to sleep, love. And you don't even know that. If you DO, you have a wonderful way of knowing how to completely ignore it. You taught me some hard shit dude. That I really had to learn eventually.

So, thank you and FUCK YOU at the same time.

Of course, I'll always, always, love you. You earned yourself a permanent place in my heart, whether I or anyone else likes it or not.

All I know is that I need you in my life. Even if it's how we are: distant friends. I don't want you anymore, I know I need to keep you distant. But my promises to you were 100% true:

I intend for you to be in my life 'till I die.
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lol, who cares about the date?

I WANT TO BE A SQUIRREEELL!

(hahahahahaaha IDK what I was thinking.)

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Nov 7, 08
11:11 PM!

WOW, DICK.

Why did you screw me over? Hm? You don't know?! OH REALLY?! WTF DUDE. GO DIE!

Well isn't that nice, you're too mentally retarded to even know WHY you fucked me over! It's better this way, with you out of my life. I'm happier! YES I'M HAPPIER, ASSHOLE! I DON'T NEED YOU ANYMORE.

It just fucking sucks that I had to learn all of this the hard way. It sucks that I had to learn about heartbreak like THIS. Miltiple times. You hurt me MULTIPLE TIMES.

Dude, I sooooo hope you go to HELL!
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Nov 20 something, 08
12:22 AM

Eeeeeeekkkkkkkk.
I don't think I've said how much I LOVE your hugs! Like really, weeeee. Hehehe. They make my day. I appreciate you in my life so much!

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No date, I was too pissed off to care(:
It's sometime in recent December though.

DO NOT TELL ME I DON'T FUCKING NEED HIM!
You do not fucking know what I went through when I lost him! Damnit, don't tell me I'm smarter than that!

OBVIOUSLY FUCKING NOT!

"Mind over matter catherine, you do not need him."

Were YOU there for me all the times he was?! NO! YOU WEREN'T! He SAVED me, god damnit. He was there to help me live.

"I know there's no wound that can't be healed. You're happy when you decide to be."

PUTTING MYSELF THROUGH HELL IS NOT THE DEFINITION OF HAPPY. That is NOT "alright." I'm tired of pleasing others and trying to fulfill their definition of alright. That will NEVER be my "alright". Sure, I would heal eventually! Okay, you're right about that, happy?! But why do that to myself when I could just have him in my life?! I can't wrap my mind around living without him. Well, yes I can. BUT NOT FUCKING HAPPILY!

FUCK!

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Dec 21, 08
2:31 PM

I can't find my pen. That's frustrating. (LOL. It was written in marker)

Hey you,
Do you still intend on being in my life for a long long time? (:
... I sure hope soo!

Did I ever tell you that you're one of the best things that happened in my life?

Btw, I'm forgiving you. Slowly. For hurting me, I mean.

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Dec 22, 08
1:00 AM

Easy there. Be nice. No need to say things that you will regret. Just back up. Think before you speak. You do care, don't act like you don't. You do! Stop being a bitch. That shouldn't take over your life. Just release!

Regain Control!
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Dec 23, 08
2:08 AM

Ew,
You know what?
Freaking 90% of teenage girls bother the HELLLLLLL out of me, dammittt!
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Hm.
So, today has been good so far.
Hannah and I went shopping and I bought really cute clothes for winter. Jeannnnzzz, boots, gloves, shirts, sweater/jacket type thing. You know, the works. CuteCuteCute.
I've been decently happy recently.

Ehh, he's kinda coming back into my life big time. I'm more than happy to go along with it. Yeah, its like a 3 to 1 chance that I'll get hurt again. Heh. OH WELLLL. Get over it. Call me an idiot. And then go away. KThanksBye.

3 DAYS TILL I LEAVE FOR WISCONSIN! Then I'm out, gone, done, wwwoooo!

More and more people are coming in and out of my life. I find myself growing closer to some and losing others. And I'm perfectly fine with that. If I needed them in my life, God would have kept them there. I'm learning to be happy with what I have right now.




Thank you Hannah, for the idea;
5 Greatest Moments of My Life:

1)driving over a baton rouge bridge with my brother, roof down, wind in my hair, blaring jason mraz. psh. indescribable.
2)movies with walter
3)hannah and i's "africa" moment.
4)shooting star with hannah and lillie!
5)getting my pupppyyy(:

what do i say?
you need to release, breathe love breathe.
don't hate! WHY HATE?! (:
hahh, natural high.
happiness, make it last
now, live now. now
...and in the future!
stop the worries, childdd.
please, why?
scattered thoughts.

i'm not high, stop saying that.
i'm just happy(:

“I do not care what car you drive, where you live. If you know someone who knows someone who knows someone. If your clothes are this years' cutting-edge. If your trust fund is unlimited. If you are A-list B-list or never-heard-of- you list. I only care about the words that flutter from your mind. They are the only thing you truly own. The only thing I will remember you by. I will not fall in love with your bones and skin. I will not fall in love with the places you have been. I will not fall in love with anything but the words that flutter from your extraordinary mind.”

i want to meet new and interesting people. to expand my horizons by so much. i want to learn what living is really like. to get out of this stupid town and be myself and be free. i'm tired of being stuck down. i hate the south and living around complete ignorance. i want to live, damnit. i want to explore the world. i need to get older. i can't live until i'm older and have freedom. i want to be out of this house and away from my family. start new! bring one, maybe two or three people with me. leave everything else behind. everything. that's what i want. screw anything else. give me freedom, please.

Heh. Heh. Heh. I love this question!

See, for a short amount of time, i would loveee to be with Tigger! He would make me happy. But people that are always bouncing off the walls and never shut up tend to annoy me after a long time(;

So, if I'm stuck in an elevator, I'd have to say Eeyore. He's pretty chill. Seems like a good listener, too...

(Goodnight!)

Let's get rich and fall in love and let's own a little cottage with a white picket fence. Let's feed the hungry and make sweet music and let's fly through the sky and take abstract photography. Let's watch classic movies and eat gallons of ice cream and let's see the world and run as far as we can. Let's love and forget, just this once. You and I.

Blah, conflict.
Bite your tongue, clenched fists. You'll regret it.
Back away; think this through.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
Breathe Deep.

The fact that Hannah Montana is mentioned in this at all makes me want to regurgitate my dinner. This is a joke, right?

God, what is our world coming to?

Dear You,

You grabbed ahold of my heart. It's unfair, really. Leading me on like that just to walk out every time. What is it? That thing that brings me back to you. You taught me heartbreak. But you also taught me love at the same time. That's it, love. Idiot. I'm an idiot.
I'm a horrible person. I can't do this. Is it possible for your strength to wear out? I've decided it's something that diminishes if used too much. An overused bike rusts, doesn't it? Maybe that's it. My hearts rusting from the abuse and you're the solution for it.
No, wrong. That can't be when you caused the rust yourself. I don't know what to think anymore.
We tried and it didn't work. Who knows who's fault. I always blame it on you but it's probably mine just as much. There's a reason you left. It won't work until we have cars and more freedom to see each other. I just, I need you in my life. Regardless how that is. I still care about you and love you a lot. And that won't really stop at all. I've tried to make it and it doesn't. I agree with what you were always saying now. That we need to wait to have something amazing in the future. That doesn't mean that I don't definitely want that though. Eventually. But when that comes, it's your decision. Not mine.

Hurt. Betrayal. Love. Passion. Interest. Curiosity. Faith. Hope. Lies. Secrets. Dishonesty. Attraction. Forgiveness. Education. Lust. Memories. Tears. Compassion. Dreams. Persistence. Patience. Did I say Hurt?
Oh, what you do to me.

No regrets,
Catherine

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Dear Boyfriend,

I don't like you. I don't have feelings for you like that and I'm no longer attracted to you. No, don't blame it on him because it is not his fault. Let me tell you that what you always imply is wrong. You're wrong if you think that I don't know what to think or my opinions or choices are wrong. I know perfectly well what I got myself into and I knew then, too. And you know what? I wouldn't take any of it back if I had the chance. I may have been screwed with, and I may have been screwed with bad. But I know what I need in life. And you can't tell me that. Let me live and let me live for myself. Get off of my back and stop getting defensive. I'm tired of our relationship and I want it to end. It's just sad that I'm giving up this easily. But I refuse to believe this is my fault because it isn't. You knew what you were getting into when you dated me. I gave you fair warning. And the fact that you would stick around when you know everything makes me question you. I told you every little thing, including that I still love him. I don't know what I was thinking going into this. No, I do. I was thinking that maybe you could make me forget about him. But it didn't, you just made it worse. I used you. And I'm a horrible person. But I guess I already knew that, because I could honestly care less right now. I've decided to do what makes me happy, no one else. The end, no other options. There's no turning around now.

Sincerely,
Catherine

P.S. Hate to break it to you, but wishing on 11:11 does nothing.